I am conducting perhaps the most outrageous fashion experiment of my adult life and my credit card statement is proof. In the past four weeks, I’ve spent $580.47 on black tights. Yes, you read that correctly. My boyfriend believes I’m crazy and honestly, he may be right.
This all started with what I’m referring to as The Incident. Three weeks ago, I was in a rush to meet with a potential brand partner — you know, one of those meetings where you pretend your tiny fashion blog is a legitimate business — when my supposedly unbreakable tights suddenly staged a dramatic death scene on the sidewalk. I mean, it was a run so bad that it basically went down to my hip bone. This occurred precisely four minutes after I left my apartment. Coincidence?
I sat through that entire meeting with my jacket strategically draped over my lap as if it were a makeshift blanket, sweating buckets, despite it being November in Chicago, internally vowing I’d never let a piece of hosiery sabotage me again. Thus began what I refer to as The Great American Tight Investigation of 2024.
As far as methodology goes, I approached this fairly simply — I attempted to find every major brand I could possibly locate, from the cheapest drugstore fare to high-end fashion editor favorites. Each pair received a full day of “real-world” use, which in my case translates to running for the “L,” spilling coffee (of course), sitting in cramped office chairs, and walking quickly when you’re running a few minutes behind schedule but not quite fast enough to jog.
I created a spreadsheet because, apparently, I’ve become that person. Categories included price, transparency, comfort, durability and what I’ve begun to call the “roll-down factor,” essentially whether the waistband remains in its correct position or slowly rolls its way downward toward your knees like some sort of nylon landslide.
Let’s begin with the affordable options, shall we? CVS Control Top in 80 denier seems like a logical place to begin at $6.99. Reader, they weren’t. They lasted exactly four hours before developing a hole directly in the worst place imaginable — as if someone had played a joke on me. The waistband also accomplished an incredible feat — it disappeared, rolling itself into what felt like a tourniquet around my middle. It was not only uncomfortable but humiliating. I’d give them a 2/10.
Target’s A New Day 100 denier tights for $8 were…fine. Just fine. They’re the beige sedan of the hosiery world — they’ll take you where you need to go without creating any drama. They endured a full day of meetings and only suffered from one minor coffee mishap. They retained their colour adequately well and didn’t appear to plot my demise. By the end of the day however, they became a tad too loose fitting, resulting in that slightly saggy ankle appearance that causes you to resemble someone wearing someone else’s hand-me-downs. However, considering the price tag, they were a solid 6/10.
Walgreens’ Nice! Brand (such a clever name, huh?) 90 denier tights were available in a two-pack for $7. Honestly, I was surprised they did not suck. They didn’t ladder, didn’t turn to that awful greyish-black hue that occurs when you purchase cheap tights, and they survived an interaction with my friend’s extremely enthusiastic golden retriever who displays no regard whatsoever for my research. They did start to lose their shape after the initial wash, developing that telltale sheen associated with subpar quality. Considering the price, however, I can hardly complain. 6.5/10.
Now we move up to the high-end offerings. Macy’s INC Brand “Ultra Opaque” tights for $16 claimed to be the best of the best, but failed miserably. Although they touted improved colour retention, they faded significantly quicker than my enthusiasm to hit the gym during the month of January. The fit was adequate, yet they appeared to be magnetically drawn to each slightly rough surface within a 10-foot radius. A single contact with a wooden table at a local eatery and they resembled I had wrestled with cats. Very disappointing 4/10.
Uniqlo’s Heattech tights for $19.90 changed the game. These things are essentially wearing a warm hug on your legs. The opacity is spot-on; they possess a gorgeous matte finish that creates the illusion of airbrushed legs; and the waistband is wide and incredibly comfortable. After a day of activities that included a 20-minute walk when the CTA decided to have another meltdown, they remained perfectly situated. My only criticism is that they may be too effective at their job — I came close to overheating in a crowded elevator and had to fight the urge to fanning myself like a Victorian woman suffering from the vapors. 8.5/10.
H&M’s 200 denier “Super Control” tights for $14.99 are essentially leg armor disguised as hosiery. These babies could probably stop bullets. The opacity is off the charts – you could probably wear them with a mini-skirt during a blizzard and still look put together. While they are warm and not suffocating, they remained exactly where I placed them throughout the day. The only negative is that they are almost too robust – I felt somewhat like I was wearing thermal underwear to a business meeting. For sheer “your legs will never be transparent again” power, 8/10.
At $12, ASOS brand 120 denier tights were bizarre. Like, genuinely odd. The colour was fantastic — rich, dark black that remained black — but the fit was constructed by someone who apparently assumes all women have thighs three times larger than they actually are. They bunched awkwardly at the knees and possessed this artificial odor that lingered even after washing. Additionally, the crotch rode low enough to cause this absurdity I can only describe as a fabric diaper scenario. No thanks. 3/10.
We’re entering the realm of luxury products, and this is where my credit card started sobbing. Commando’s Ultimate Opaque tights at $38 had been on my wish list for years, and they largely met my lofty expectations. They’re ultra-soft, totally opaque without appearing bulky, and the waistband is this engineering marvel that somehow manages to be both secure and comfortable. I actually forgot I was wearing them at one point, which has literally never happened to me with tights. Of course, they’re stupid expensive, but if you calculate the cost-per-wear over their lifespan, they’re almost reasonable. Almost. 9/10.
Spanx’s Tight-End Tights (it appears someone in their marketing department possesses a sense of humor) at $42 were my Holy Grail. I’ve heard fashion editors speak about them in hushed tones of reverence. The seamless design is truly impressive, and they provide this silky-smooth, flawless leg line that inspires you to pose for a magazine. They endured every activity I subjected them to — literally, in one instance, when I fell and grabbed onto a brick wall. Not a single snag. The waistband is comfortable but secure, and they remain stationary once they’re applied. If I were the type of person to become emotional about undergarments (after writing 3000+ words about tights, I guess I am), these would bring tears of joy. 9.5/10.
Sheertex merits special attention due to their claim of being “unrippable.” At $59, they darn well better contain Kevlar. Their technology is genuinely remarkable — they utilize the exact same fibres employed in bullet-proof vests. Which is an overkill for legwear, but we are where we are. Performance-wise, they are outstanding. Ideal opacity, comfortable fit, and they genuinely appear to be indestructible. I may have deliberately attempted to snag them on a variety of surfaces (for science), and they successfully completed every test. My only criticism is the price-point — at sixty bucks, they darn well better pay my taxes. 8.5/10.
Wolford’s Neon 80 tights at $45 are the ultimate goal of hosiery, as proclaimed by virtually every fashion individual who has ever existed. They are buttery soft, remarkably durable and produce this perfect matte finish that makes your legs appear professionally colour corrected. The fit is flawless — they achieve the impossible and are both substantial and lightweight. I’ve previously owned pairs that have endured for such an extended period, I questioned whether they were invincible. These new pairs appear to be similarly eternal. Yes, they are ridiculously expensive, but they’re rather excellent. 9/10.
Swedish Stockings’ Lia Premium tights at $35 earn points not only for their performance, but for possessing a genuine conscience. Manufactured from recycled nylon, they cater to the environmentally conscious and fashion-conscious individual. Performance-wise, they are exceptional — they retain colour adequately well, the fit is comfortable, and they possess acceptable durability. The waistband fits a tad too snugly, which I found preferable because it prevented the dreaded roll-down, although this may not be ideal for everyone. For eco-friendly hosiery that does not suck, 7.5/10.
A special nod goes to Girlfriend Collective’s Compressive High-Rise tights at $38. These are not actually traditional tights — they are more akin to leggings masquerading as tights. However, they are opaque enough to serve as tights provided you dress properly, and they are ridiculously comfortable. As an additional bonus, they are manufactured from recycled plastic bottles, so you can enjoy guilt-free choices while appearing put together. While not suitable for every occasion requiring tights, they are definitely worth having in your arsenal. 7/10.
Following the trial of numerous pairs (my dresser currently resembles a hosiery store explosion), I’ve concluded the following. The perfect black tights, similar to the perfect anything, are dependent upon your intended purpose. For daily use that won’t necessitate a second mortgage, Target and Uniqlo offer viable alternatives. When you require perfection for special occasions, Spanx and Wolford are worth investing. When you seek to combine environmentalism with style, Swedish Stockings and Girlfriend Collective deliver.
However, I think the true discovery — proper care can greatly enhance the longevity of your tights. Hand washing is optimal, but who has time for that? A mesh laundry bag on cold-gentle cycle is a realistic compromise. Never, ever attempt to dry clean them unless you want doll clothing. And maintain your fingernails — half the “defective” tights I labeled as defective were actually casualties of my own jagged fingernails.
Additionally, I believe I’ve discovered that fit trumps brand prestige. An $18 pair that fits your body better will consistently outperform a $55 pair that is ill-fitting. Most manufacturers’ sizing is merely a recommendation, therefore, do not hesitate to size up if you fall somewhere in between.
Look, I realise spending nearly $600 on black tights in a month is utterly, absolutely bonkers. My therapist has already expressed her belief that this research project says something about my desire for control in uncertain times. Nevertheless, yesterday I wore my Spanx tights to a critical presentation, noticed how flawlessly smooth and opaque my legs looked, and experienced a burst of confidence that likely increased my performance by ten percent.
It’s the little things, right? Knowing that your tights will not betray you during the meeting, knowing that your legs will appear professionally polished, knowing you have addressed one small wardrobe concern in a chaotic world. Whether my credit card will forgive me for my extravagant purchases remains to be seen, but honestly? I have regrets about nothing. Possibly those CVS ones. Those were a disaster.
